Writing the date in my journal and wondering why darkness hovers over me this morning, I remembered. Two years ago today, I sat in an outpatient surgery prep room, fighting nausea and waiting for the wee lifeless baby to be removed from my womb. This was my first lost little one. And even though two years of goodness and growth have been graced to me since that 2015 spring morning, my eyes still weep, my chest still heaves in sobs. I am a puddle.
Just this morning, over yogurt, strawberries and granola, the golden heads read the account of George Mueller's miraculous orphanage provision in the breakfast devotion and were encouraged by Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." We were challenged to remember throughout our day that Scripture says, all things. Not just a few things. Or a lot of things. Most things? No, ALL things.
I can testify to God's goodness and working even in my miscarriage: a stronger faith and trust in God, a strengthened marriage, a beautiful space between children and a healthy little baby boy. But that doesn't mean I don't cry for what was lost. I feel at loss of where to turn. Trusting God in the big picture, but remembering that stroke right now hurts. What do I do, right now in the hurt?
Likewise (waiting with full confidence for heaven) the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27
I am trusting the Spirit to minister and direct my course of action and thoughts today. And then I ask those who know me best to pray.
Sometimes, I fault the engineer for being seemingly indulgent with our golden heads: too many Wild hockey games, downhill skiing, vacations, Twins games... But the truth is, we get to hold these children and kiss them in the morning and at night. We get to spoil them and it's just money anyway. Money we can't take and won't need in heaven. Hmmm. I think we need to celebrate with icecream today after school.
During these days with a four-month baby, I'm frequently quoting that song by The Shirelles, "Momma said there'll be days like this..." or Judith Viorst's Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, "Some days are like that, even in Australia." Don't you agree? Some days are just tough! What we do on those days? It's okay to shed a tear. It's okay to have an extra cup of coffee. It's wise to sit at the feet of Jesus and let Him speak to you and reassure you that even though there are days like this, He will work it out for our good and His glory!

No comments: